It is estimated that only 1 in 10,000 wild oysters is harbouring a pearl. Oysters inhabit an array of habitats, includingshallow coastal waters. When a foreign body or parasite enters their shell, it causes irritation. They then secrete a substance called nacre (nay-ker), which wraps around the foreign body, and over time this grows to create a pearl.

In essence, pearls are formed over time in response to an irritating stimulus entering an oyster’s internal environment.

Oysters have sensitive hearing; they become distressed and snap their shells firmly shut in response to noise. But when left to exist safely in their natural habitat, they will freely open and close their shells in response to different levels of moonlight; when more moonlight is available, oysters close their shells, but they will never close them fully.

It is estimated that humans will meet an average of 80,000 people in their lifetime, yet most of us can only maintain roughly 5 deep and meaningful relationships at a time. Perhaps, the few people we encounter and choose to form these relationships with are those we metaphorically perceive to be harbouring pearls.

As I sit in front of you, I begin by gently expressing my feelings around the mistakes I perceive to have happened here, hoping to be met halfway with acknowledgement. Instead, my voice echoes against the deep seabed, as my vulnerable words are met with resounding silence.

The silence is triggering; I attempt to fill the void with more noise as I desperately try to be seen and heard. To be validated and understood. To be apologised to and acknowledged.

Why are you not responding? My blood storms through my vessels in an increasingly furious rage. Unbeknown to me, the very act of shining a brighter and brighter spotlight on behaviour will perhaps cause some people to close tighter and tighter.

As you closed tighter and tighter, I grew louder and louder until I was metaphorically shouting at you to take ownership. Intense frustration ignited within when I could no longer see the soft centre I was previously allowed to see, and I was instead simply confronted by a hard shell that refused to open. What have I done wrong here? We parted ways with much still unexplained.

Perhaps now, as a consequence, we both live entrapped in our self-perpetuating shame.

More than 80% of Earth’s seabed is unexplored; more than 90% of our brain activity is unconscious. Is it ever possible for us to fully explore our own minds? Perhaps, we all have some unconscious trauma lurking in the deep, dark, unexplored crevasses, and we cannot predict when we will be triggered.

An apology withheld means forgiveness is withheld, too. I did deserve to feel seen and heard, and be acknowledged when expressing my feelings. You did not deserve to feel unfairly blamed for what happened between us. This was an unfortunate scenario in which your blame trauma and my invisibility trauma collided and created a perfect storm. Perhaps it is only now we both remain in the quiet, silently reverberating in our own toxic guilt and shame, that we can gain perspective.

Can oysters decipher between safe and harmful sounds? Once an oyster has protectively snapped shut, it is physically impossible to open it by hand; we either need to get extra tools to pry it open or to take a step back, and allow it to feel safe again.

How could I have known that oysters close and open their shells as the moon waxes and wanes? To gain this knowledge requires dedicated observation and timeless patience. As we gain life experience, we must not shame ourselves for what we previously did not know, but applaud ourselves for working hard to learn the valuable lessons, and gain wisdom.

It takes between 6 months to a few years for an oyster to create a pearl; humans feel entitled to take them because they are valuable to us. I have learnt I am not entitled to an apology or validation from someone I perceive to have wronged me. The words are theirs to freely give, if they so desire.

Is it satisfying to break open an oyster and forcefully take what we perceive to be ours? Perhaps, sometimes we are desperate, and we need to source pearls to generate an income and feed ourselves. Therefore, we must put our morals aside and smash something beautiful to take what we need to survive. Perhaps, I have learnt that I am incompatible with those that cannot validate my feelings after they have made a mistake. There is no fundamental right or wrong. But there is a fundamental incompatibility.

Will oysters ever be capable of comprehending the intrinsic beauty and value they hold within? Will humans ever comprehend the immense impact a few heart-felt, vulnerable words can have on others?

Now the chaos is over; the environment is blissfully quiet. Yet we still don’t feel peace. A mistake made is simply a stormy downpour of torrential rain, and under no circumstancesdoes it define the entire ocean. But an unacknowledged storm certainly feels all the more cold and bitter. Perhaps, if the conditions were optimal at the time, I may have received an apology for the mistakes made.

How does it feel to be left desiring something we know we will never receive?

Irritating.

It does feel like a bitter injustice. And perhaps, in time, I can heal and turn that deeply engrained irritation into something intrinsically beautiful: my very own pearl.

As we move through life, sometimes conditions change. Storms do come and go, and though this will allow some of our relationships to strengthen and deepen, others may close tightly, and no longer feel how they once did.

A closed oyster still holds a pearl, but how can we appreciate beauty we are unable to see?

Our relationship was short-lived. We will never meet again, and regardless of how we parted, the fond memories live on. A mistake made is simply a stormy downpour of torrential rain, and under no circumstances does it define the entire ocean.

I wish you peace and happiness, always.